Thursday, 24 April 2014

Bantasy Football: All about Arsenal

The Gunners haven't featured in my team of the week bantasy posts yet - and with good reason. Despite a solid season (well - remaining consistent with the same old mathematical disappointment they have become used to at this time of year), they don't have a single player in the Dreamteam, near the top of the form table or on the lips of any fantasy football manager.

Walcott's horror injury and Ozil's 'meh'ness (new word) are partly to blame but Wenger's style has always meant a spreading of the love between multiple playmakers - meaning whoever you choose has a decent chance of bringing you home precisely zero bacon.

Arsenal usually finish the season strong, though, and have Newcastle (H) West Brom (H) and Norwich (A). You couldn't hope for three easier fixtures assuming Norwich are relegated by then (they will be - because maths).

Aaron Ramsey (7.4)

He's back with a bang (16 pts against Hull), although admittedly his initial return was more of a whimper (1pt against Everton, 4 against West Ham). But 90 minutes last week surely means he'll be raring to go against the Toon and some are even saying he's the best player at the Emirates now. He's certainly got the most fantasy points. Sold.

Santiago Cazorla (9.3)

Flying under the radar this season is Santi Cazorla - Saint Charlie to you and me. He's created a whopping 60 chances - practically doubling Ramsey's 31 - and has a pass accuracy of 87%. Tasty. The price is wrong but if you've already got Ramsey, you're a man for a differential (3% ownership) or, like one of those wives I've heard so much about, you enjoy spending copious amounts of money on frivolous purchases for no good reason, he's your guy*.

People who edit videos like this on Youtube neg my vibe. Cut to 0:40 for the money shot

*Sexism is for comic purposes only and does not reflect the very liberal views of this blogger, who thinks women are excellent - just excellent. Although I don't see many husbands buying £250 shoes - just sayin'. 

Olivier Giroud (8.5)

I nearly wrote a letter to FPL this year asking for a mandatory pop-up warning to be installed so that anyone attempting to transfer in Giroud would see a window that reads: "Are you sure you want to do this? The player you have selected is below average in every conceivable way."

Well I've changed my mind after that absurd chip shot he tried against West Ham - he's not below average; he's actively rubbish. That said, I've also decided he is not the worst fantasy prospect out there - as long as he has good fixtures. He hasn't scored against any of the top four but against weaker sides, someone has to score for Arsenal and it might as well be him, I suppose. He is playing as a 'striker' after all.

Per Mertesacker (6.1)

Likes: Aerial challenges, cars with extra leg room, Roald Dahl

Dislikes: Scoring goals, having to play with Monreal, the phrase "It's all gone pear shaped"

Seriously - he fucking loves Roald Dahl

He's high end at 6.1 smackeroons but you get what you pay for. Koscielny (5.4) is arguably a better shout now that he's back in the side there are only three games left so chances of him getting injured again are minimal but there aren't any photos of him doing something funny. Whadda ya want from me?

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