Bantasy Football: Suggesting Sunderland (again)

I could be Captain Obvious and tell you to put in six Manchester players this week but you already know that and I like to think of my posts as somewhat useful - if largely farcical.  

If Vladimir Putin on a stick isn't a farcicle, I don't know what is

Sunderland

Enter stage left Sunderland. They may look familiar to you from my post a few weeks ago but rest assured; much has changed since you didn't read that. They now have an excellent chance of staying up - not least because Fulham couldn't beat Hull and Norwich have lost their final two games (Chelsea and Arsenal) before even playing them. 

Any game is winnable when you're in a relegation scrap. West Brom at home and even a
"Giggsified" United at Old Trafford are no exceptions. 

Connor Wickham (4.6)

Have you ever had that thing where one minute you're a totally unknown Magikarp of a player whom your relegation-bound team have squandered £8million on and the next you're single-handedly dragging them from the depths of oblivion into a position where survival isn't just possible but probable? No? Well this bloke has. Now listen all about it.  

Forget the five priceless goals Wicker chair's netted in his last three games; take a look at that bantasy points tally and you'll need to take a cold shower and conjure a mental image of Susan Boyle in a two-piece before you can leave the house without walking like a pterodactyl to cover your shame.

13, 8, 16. Only one bonus point went missing. Phwoar. 

He costs - you guessed it - practically nothing. He's owned by - wait for it - absolutely no-one (0.8%). There's no excuse to not have this boy in your team if you currently have any single GW players apart from SAS, Lukaku and maybe Giroud. I'd even swap him for Adebayscore. 

Wickam evolved into Gyarados. Sh*t subsequently got serious!

Fabio Borini (6.2)

If you like penalty takers and believe in the power of on-loan strikers to drastically over-perform like I do, Borini is your man. If, however, you also enjoy making as many fantasy points as possible for as few fantasy coins as possible, stick with Connor Wickerman. Don't try and be fancy. Borini is owned by the same number of people (0.8%) and I don't care what your Mum tells you - no-one's going to like you more for being different.

Being different: Not always beneficial

Adam Johnson (6.4)

Forget Russia - Adam Johnson is the real riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.   Between 11th January and 1st February he boshed in 51 points! In four games! It's now been five matches since he's done anything decent. Maybe there's still stardust tucked away somewhere in his boots. Maybe he accidentally shook it out along with astroturf sand. Either way he's one for the chancers amongst you. That said, at 6.4 he's the best in his price bracket given the DGW. I'd even take him over the supremely in-form Sterlings and Puncheons of this world* - THAT's how much I heart double gameweeks.

*Don't you just hate that phrase? - There's only one Jason Puncheon in this world

Jon O'Shea (4.8)

A mate of mine had a running joke with his uni mates that they would go out out every time O'Shea scored a goal. Suffice to say they all got 1sts and didn't meet many ladyfriends. Anyway point is - the boy don't score much. What he does do is play every game. He'll be playing against Swansea at home and he'll be playing at West Brom at home (let's forget about the Old Trafford game for a clean sheet shall we?). Both are must win and there's the faintest sliver of hope Sunderland could realise that keeping a clean sheet and scoring makes you three points.

For more Bantasy Football, visit www.bantasyfootball.blogspot.co.uk or follow @BantasyFootball. 

Bantasy Football: Courting Crystal Palace

Three reasons I'm in a pickle this week:

1. I've got a really good Michael Jackson joke but it's been so long - it's no longer funny. 

2. I've got a cracking Peaches Geldof one but it's too soon.

3. I've talked about all the best teams from which to procure GW34 players already (Man City, Everton etc.) and I don't want you to get bored of me. 

I ain't gonna tap out tho...

Crystal Phallus Palace

Once upon a time there was a silly little team with a silly old name, a supremely silly kit and an even sillier manager. This silly little team had accrued a paltry 3 points from ten Premier League games - and they were destined for the nether-nether land of the Championship - according to all the big bad football pundits that ever there were.

But one day the silly little team won a football game, and another, and then another - until eventually they were toppling the mighty Chelsea, beating teams (alright, Cardiff) 3-0 away from home and slowly but surely climbing away from the clutches of the drop zone.

Also - Double Gameweek.

If the end of Palace's season is half as good as the ending of this book, boy we're in for a treat 

Defence is the best form of defence

Let's forget about strikers for a moment because, well, Palace don't really have any - but also you already have SAS and either Dzeko or Lukaku so why would I waste my breath?

Cheap Ds are where it's at - and although The Eagles have Everton, City and Liverpool still to come, their players are SO SO cheap - and we all know rotation is the name of the game anyway.

This week it's Villa (currently about as predictable as any weather forecast ever) at home, and Everton away. The former should provide a clean sheet - Palace have three in their last four. Much of their recent success has been predicated upon their ability to shut out teams like Chelsea but perhaps their greatest defensive achievement this season was conceding just one at the Etihad (seriously - who does that!?)


Joel Ward (4.4m)

I was shocked when I saw this guy's ownership - 8.8%! I've had him all season and he's been phenomenal. He's played all but two games. 10 clean sheets, 8 Bonus Points and best of all - Palace are relatively predictable - Apart from the Chelsea result which was an obvious bonus, they got their shutouts against Cardiff x2, Sunderland, Hull x2, Stoke, Villa, Everton and West Brom. Rarely do you expect 4 defensive points and get dissappointed. No goals yet but Ward is a full back so the law of averages dictates he'll score one day.

Damien Delaney (4.4m)

Fantasy-wise, this lad's a carbon copy of Ward. 10 clean sheets, played all but two games, and has a decent rack of BPs (12). For some reason his ownership is a skull-scratching 1%. Snap him up, boys and girls. This one's a kipper.

Fish jokes: Not as good as cheese jokes but pretty gouda

Adrian Mariappa (3.9m)

He's missed two long spells this season but holds the record for the longest consecutive playing streak in Watford's history, has started the last four and cost £2.5m in real life sterling last summer so you'd expect him to see out the season with 90 minutes in each game. He got 10 pts against Cardiff last weekend for his assist and 2 BPs and scored a towering header against Fulham back in October. If you're pressed for cash, he's your man.


Jason Puncheon (4.9m)

Ever since THAT penalty miss, the man has been on fire.

This alone is worth the price of admission if you haven't seen it 

Since that dreaded Spurs game, Puncheon raked in 11 points for two straight weeks and he bagged 16 against Cardiff from a brace and all the BPs - there's even talk of him going to the World Cup.  

Did you look at his price? Good. How many players cost that little and can pack that kind of a punch? One.

In good Kompany*

I had Ward and Puncheon on the bench this week which made me feel bad - really bad. Until I saw that The Silva Surfers (top team in FPL standings) did too. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good I suppose. Man I wish I'd been stupid enough to captain De Guzman last week.

*This section does not pertain to one Vincent Kompany, nor Cystal Palace if I'm honest. I just had to get it off my chesticles. 


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Bantasy Football: Scouting Sunderland (Desperately)

Having pinned my colours firmly to the whoever-has-the-most-fixtures-left mast last GW, I've backed myself into a corner a bit and am somewhat forced to go for Sunderland this week. 

They have two games in hand over most but despite two double GWs on the calendar, it's hard to see where the value lies. Fret not - that's what I'm here for - well... that and to show you silly pictures. 

Sunderland-sceptic

As deep as my love is for Gustavo Poyet's style, Sunderland are utterly village. A team that consistently fails to start Adam Johnson - clearly their best attacking option - is arguably beyond fantasy reproach and Hazard proved a couple of weeks ago (to me at least) that a quality player can do a lot more damage in one game than an iffy one can do in two (I'm looking at you Sterling!)

He knows I'm looking at him but can't help continuing to rubbish (erroneous phrasing used for comedic effect)

Maffs

Thing is, whichever way you look at it, 2+2=4. Adam Johnson's fantasy production has fizzled out recently with him finding that great bench-warming form he specialised in at Man City but his overall points tally for the season (114) is still higher than top mid Eden Hazard if you double it - and he's about half the price! Now consider the fact that two double GWs = 4 matches and even Ki Sung-Yueng's meagre 80 pts begins to look like the dog's.

The Black Cats face a downtrodden Tottenham at the Lane this week (Spurs will play badly, their fans will boo, the away team will snatch a win/score draw) and their two double GWs are Everton/Man City (GW 34) and United/West Brom (GW 37).  This is neither spectacular nor as ominous as it seems - all these sides concede goals and Sunderland are (CLICHE ALERT) fighting for their little lives.


Adam Johnson (6.5m)

Might as well start with the only one anyone's heard of. AJ's had some scintillating performances this campaign. His overall score is heavily propped up by a hat-trick against Fulham (does that really count?) but he proceeded to score in three consecutive games after that. Ne shabby pas for a midfielder. Also he scored in Monday's loss to Wham despite only playing 38 minutes.


Sung-Yeung Ki (4.3m)

4.3 million fantasy dolla dolla bills y'all for a mid who plays pretty much every game is about as cheap as fish and chips wrapping paper - without the chips. On 3 goals and 2 assists he's hardly a world-beater but is a decent player with quick feet and the ability to unlock a defence. Bang for buck.


Fabio Borini (6.2m)

The Liverpool loanee has established himself as first choice frontman... ish. His stats (3 goals and 2 assists) aren't even really worth a first look, let alone a second, but his ownership (0.5%) provides a delectable differential.

Some sources (FIFA 14) would indicate that the longer Borini plays, the longer he will continue to remain useless. Getting him to score a goal against a top 7 team is like getting Nigel Farage to answer a question with no made-up statistics in it - ain't gonna happen, sonny. Since 5 of Sunderland's remaining 8 are against these elite sides, you might be wary about taking a punt on him.

Vito Mannone (4.5m)

8 clean sheets isn't horrendous for a relegation-threatened team and you'd like to think Poyet's main mission will be to plug holes at the back if he's to stay a Premiership manager. While Sunderland's fixtures might appear daunting at first, Mannone rotates beautifully with Brad Guzan (Aston Vanilla, 5.1m) and Joe Hart (Man City, 6.0m). Swapping between them your match-ups could be:

GW        Fixture

33 -- Fulham (H) /  Southampton (H)
34 -- Everton (H) + Man City (A) / Sunderland (H)
35 -- Southampton (H)
36 -- Cardiff (H) / West Brom (H)
37 -- Man U (A) + West Brom (H) / Everton (A) + Aston Villa (H)
38 -- Swansea (H) / West Ham (H)


Key - Mannone in Red. Hart Blue. Guzan Pink. 


Marcos Alonso (4.5m)

Who? Marcos Alonso. He plays for Sunderland. He's a full back. Also on loan. Can play in midfield.

Why? Has only missed one game (red card suspension) since coming in in January. Clearly rated by Poyet. Made one appearance for Real Madrid so is officially better than all other Sunderland defenders ever.

Really? Sure, why not? You could get Wes Brown 0.2m cheaper but he's a centre-back and you know who he is so where's the fun in that?


Altidore (6.2m)

This man is all the rage across the pond. He hasn't had three 90 minute games in a row all season, though - and has one goal this season. Fogetabaaaaatit.


Advanced apologies

We all make mistakes. Suggesting the procurement of Sunderland players in fantasy football could certainly prove to be one of mine. But be open minded, allow yourself to take risks and, most importantly, don't blame me if it all goes tits-up.

For more Bantasy Football, go to: bantasyfootball.blogspot.co.uk or follow us @BantasyFootball

Bantasy Football: Looking at Newcastle

In stark contrast to last week, there are a plethora of tantalising options to choose from in GW 30. Next week's double gameweek blockbuster doesn’t just have to be borne in mind, though – it should form the main basis for your transfer rationale this week.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail

Obvious wins nothing

'If I were a Boeing 777 jet, where would I hide?' - is precisely the sort of warped mindset you need to enter into this week. It's too late in the season for renowned players. You're too close to the winner's podium to put all your hopes on a household name. Come way out of left field and find a hero disguised as a minnow; a massive player everyone else thought was a bust. Go big or go home - death or glory!

OK maybe let's not be quite that extreme - and yes, clearly you'll want to stock your team with as many DGW 31 players as you can. And yes, Liverpool are at Old Trafford on Sunday and then face two of the bottom three in the Double Gameweek spectacular - so they're the obvious choice. 

But everyone who’s anyone is fully aware of the virtues of the super-powered SAS, the bargain bucket that is Sterling, the penalty-fuelled consistency of Gerrard and the high risk, low reward Coutinho. 

For team of the week this week I’m going to Toon. Forget all that head-butting nonsense - let's talk about what's going down on the fantasy football field. 

Howard Webb - less excitable than Jeff Stelling

Newcastle

If you’re looking for a slightly more inconspicuous team to build your transfers around, the Magpies are alone in being at home for both double GW fixtures - and play rock-bottom Fulham at Craven Cottage this week. 

What do Fulham and The Rock have in common? That's right - not very much

Lack of incentive could combine with the absence of Pardew to drain morale and crucify form but St James’ Park always rocks - and Fulham always blow. 

Yoan Gouffran (6.3; owned by 1.1 %)

With Remy out for three games with a calf injury, step up Monsieur Gouffran. 6 goals and 4 assists this season isn't bad for a bit-timer - he's a dead cert 90 minute player at the moment, especially with Loic out, and anything owned by only 1% of people is surely some sort of amazeballs luxury product worthy of your hard-earned dolla. 

Gouffran - Luxury worth having?

Moussa Sissoko (5.7m; 3% owned)

He's played every game this season, seems to have cemented himself into a relatively advanced field position and bagged a whopping 15 pts against Hull last week with a neat brace. His first finish was like something out of International Superstar Soccer with the cheats turned on and his second illustrated a keen attacking instinct with an eye for getting into the six-yard box. 

Forget body shape and physical logic - this one's going straight in

Mike Williamson (4.2; 1.2%)

Newcastle have had a defence like a sieve for as long as eggs have been eggs but their fixture list implies clean sheets are on the horizon - if only due to their opponents' inefficacy in front of goal. This Williamson bloke is just so cheap for someone who has started every game since week 6. He might even score, I suppose. There's nothing pointing to the fact that he will but wouldn't it be nice if he did? Sometimes good things happen to good people. Back yourself. 

Today's theme was memes. Your reward for making it to the end is this totally unrelated pic of a cat just hanging out.

I have a plan

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Bantasy Football: Looking at United

It’s slim pickings this week – but you knew that already. Assuming you’re without your wildcard and you still have designs on being relevant at the end of the season, it’s time to start thinking hard about double gameweeks.

You would be my first choice... if there were no other choices

Manchester United: A rose by any other name?

The name used to be synonymous with success and dynasty. Now it conjures contemplations of underachievement, questionable management and a disaffected dressing room. When Roy Carroll is taking the piss, you know you’re in trouble. But Man U players could be the inspirational picks that let you waltz to the top of your mini-league and stay there until the final whistle blows on 11^th May.

United have the best remaining schedule of any team – with no fantasy break. Their only tough fixtures are against Liverpool and City. Both are at Old Trafford. Both are also ritual goal fests in which the formbook is shredded, defenestrated and roundhouse kicked in the balls by Chuck Norris. If you’re still worried about the City game, don’t be – they also face Wham three days earlier as part of a double GW. The Hammers top the clean sheet table but tend to concede heavily at Upton Park for some reason – and lost 3-1 to United in the reverse fixture.

RVP (13.6m)

The Dutchman's return from injury hasn't been spectacular but it’s been crucial in United’s quest to obtain a top four berth. He’s scored four in his first five games back from injury – not bad considering how his teammates were getting all up in his area.

RVP's area - stay out

More consistent than a vegan’s stool, more effortlessly reliable than Tom Selleck and more imposing than a topless Putin; RVP is a great buy if you can bear to part with the newly omnipresent SAS pairing (Suarez and Sturridge).  Maybe your budget isn't big enough. Maybe you’re reluctant to gamble on the most injury-prone player since Jaime Redknapp, but he’s only owned by 16.7% of FPL managers compared to Suarez's ownership of 50.3% – now that's what I call butter. 

When not strutting stuff, Jaime ponders how good he could have been, had he ever played 3 games in a row

Rooney (11.1m)

The £85m man costs a mere £11.1m in the fantasy world. That’s a snip when you consider he’s bagged 8 or more points 11 times this season, making him excellent skipper material. His goal against Palace ended a 9 game baron spell but, much like Leonardo Di Caprio, he will inevitably rise from the ashes of shame and show us what he’s made of. It’s worth remembering that you won’t have to pay him £300,000 a week, and if he’s awful you can just blame Moyes like everyone else does.

Best Before: 2014

Januzaj (4.8m)

It’s staggering how many people neglect the first rule of fantasy football – No Man Utd midfielders. It’s as apt under Moyes as it was in the Fergie era; there’s just no way of knowing who’ll play. If you’d only ever met United fans, you’d think Januzaj had scored 20 goals this season. He's scored 3. He’s still owned by 10% because he’s cheaper than chips and had been playing pretty well for a young’un (even though it wasn’t really translating into consistent points) but his playing time has been slashed dramatically since RVP’s return and, well, see rule 1.

Defenders/De Gea

Vidic is off to Inter in the summer. Rio will probably be hanging up his boots (if not he should be) and United conceded two goals (real life goals, not dodgy penalties or nothin’) at home to Fulham. That’s all you need to know really.

All right so they’ve made back to back clean sheets at Arsenal and Palace but whom are you going to put in? Evra? He costs more than the sun (£6.5m). Vidic (£5.8m)? He’s also spenny, has his mind set on Italy and hasn’t scored once this season.

Smalling (£5.1m) is the only decent option but when Evans and Jones return, Moyes could revert to rotation at the back. Steer well clear. Old Trafford just ain’t the fortress it used to be.

For more Bantasy Football, go to: http://bantasyfootball.blogspot.co.uk/ or follow us @BantasyFootball