Bantasy Football: Milking Manchester City

The mere suggestion of GW 32 feels like the sort of stomach-churning comedown Nathan Barley might pretend to endure, after the dizzying heights of GW 31 (highest point score was a ball-tingling 205) recede into the mists of fantasy time.

Fun Gon' Come

More fun is still to come, though - and only one team are the bacon butty to soak up your depression hangover and get the serotonin pumping again after your 150pt wonder-week.

Don't be fooled by the Mourinho bandwagon. His unconvincing attempts to convince everyone Chelski aren't going for the title have somehow convinced everyone they'll actually win it. I beg you not to fall for it - at least from a fantasy perspective.

Man City

Whoever you think will top the league come the end of the season, do not be a slave to the rhetoric. Remember the three Fs of fantasy football - fixtures, fixtures, fixtures.

City have two more left than anyone else. By the process of maths, anyone who doesn't have three of them in their side by GW 34, their first of two remaining double GWs before the end of the season, is - as Kanye puts it - bat sh*t cray.

Yaya Toure (10.3)

Top of must-buy-ometer is Toure Yaya. Spenny for a midfielder I grant you but third highest scorer in the Prem and a fearsome combo of pace, silky soft touch and advanced technology (the new 'supreme tekkers') creates goals from absolutely nowhere. 48 points in his last four is just filthy. So let's get dirty. Don't be worried by trips to Arsenal and Liverpool - neither can defend and both could have nout to play for if Liverpool come unstuck against Spurs and/or Wham.

Let's get... dirtaaay

David Silva (9.4)

David Silva, or Dave Wood as he'd be known en Ingles got a paltry 9 points from DGW 31 - hardly what I was hoping for. I've been plugging this geezer all season and have him in every team - but he just plays so well every game. Creative players like Silva tend to drift in and out of games but he doesn't  - he's always the creative spark and usually their best player apart from Yaya.  

Samir Nasri (8.1)

Samir has returned from four games out to be a solid and consistent performer. Neither his spell on the sidelines nor the embarrassment of riches in City's midfield have stinted his playing time - and three assists in his last two is indicative of his play-making impact. He's still worse value than Silva and Toure but if you're hamstrung by a toight like a tiger budget, he's your man. 

Defenders

"I'm not sure why so many people have Man City defenders. I took a punt on Lescott this week because he's super cheap but the cost-to-clean sheet ratio is just off the charts. Zabaleta's propensity to attack makes an argument for him enticing but 6.1 is such a horrendous amount to pay for a defender who has kept two clean sheets in 11 games."

This is what I would have said to you on 3rd February - just before Man City went on a record-busting run of five consecutive clean sheets. The thing is, though, if I could play my wildcard now, I still wouldn't have a City defender in my team - because the attacking points Silva, Toure, Nasri et al. can make you are so much more valuable.

You can only have three City players so you should be choosing which ones carefully. There are plenty of cheapo defenders who can bag you a CS every now and again and if you rotate cleverly, you can efficiently pick up two or three clean sheets a GW without much bother.

Be careful when rotating Cleverley

Why spend more than 5% of your budget on a player you're never going to captain, who will get 12 pts at the most IF he unpredictably scores one of his two or three goals per season. "What about Zabaleta?", I hear you cry. "He's always getting in the box". Well yes, and he has five assists - but 0 goals. Those five assists are 15 points over the whole season - just two points less than intermittently present Dzeko got in one game at Old Trafford. Even if you add his 12 clean sheets, that's 48+15=63, which is just one more than Toure as captain would have made you in the last two weeks alone.

Obviously you can't make everyone skipper but upside (the handy American word for potential) has to be considered - a defender scoring 20 points is a freak occurrence. When was the last time you were surprised one of their front six got two, three or four goals?

America - re-inventing words since 1776

#CalledIt Differential Pick - GW31

He eventually did what I expected him to do, but IN THE WRONG COMPETITION. And now he is out for 4-6 weeks and I am stuck with him and Kompany (thanks, Vincent, for getting that red card, for no CS and for missing out the game with Fulham!) and looking at a all-time-high point hit to get my team anywhere close to resembling a proper DGW team. Argh!

OK. Now, that I have gotten this out of my system, we can talk about the differentials for GW31. I will not lose time talking about the importance of this week and yada, yada. You have heard it a lot over the course of last weeks and only people who fell from the moon have less than 5 DGW players on their rosters. And yes, that includes yours truly!

As I need to somehow make up for the massive points hit I am about to take, my personal differential for the week will be Edin Džeko. With Agüero sidelined, Negredo completely off form and Jovetić just coming back from injury, I assume (you never really know with MCI, do you?) he will be leading the attack against Fulham at HOME and with 5 goals in the last 9 games, he could be a great differential (crazy captain idea?). In the second game MCI go up against Vidic-less, Smalling-less and RVP-less MUFC. Call me crazy, but I see some goals in this for him.

Sadly, he cannot be my #CalledIt pick as he is owned by more than 5% of managers.

Have no fear. The second pick on my list also has a DGW. What's more, he has two HOME games, one of them as well against that Vidic-less, Smalling-less and RVP-less MUFC team. He scored his first goal of the season last week and seems to be pretty consistent at getting attacking returns this year whenever he does manage to suit up (which was not often, truth be told). Nevertheless, I can see him having a major impact this GW. Andy Carroll, #CalledIt pick for GW31. 

P.S. Maybe I picked him because he has a similar ponytail I used to have back in the days? We will find out after the GW is over.

Bantasy Football: Eyes on Everton

This is it - the big'un. There are few secrets left in fantasy this season - don't expect to unearth another Ramsey-esque gem - but there is value to be had. Scout them and they will come. 

With today being Budget Day and all, I thought I’d avoid yammering on about the obvious choices from cash-splashing Man City – although I will point out that Silva (9.2) and Nasri (8.1) are not just phenomenal picks, but provide excellent differential at 6.2% and 3.0% ownership respectively – presumably due to the unrivalled pecks appeal of one Mr. Toure Yaya. 

A Briefcase Wanker tries to keep his GW 31 transfers on the d-low

Everton

Two wins on the trot have not totally coincidentally followed Lukaku's return. The big Belgian has ten goals this season and despite not contributing against Cardiff, Romelu was back in for the full 90. 

The Toffee's have The Swans first up - who haven't defeated a team outside the relegation spots since they won against Newcastle on 4th December - their only win against a team outside the bottom five all season. 

Gary Monk has failed to plug the gaping holes Laudrup left in defence (rumour has it the Loch Ness Monster resides somewhere in the vast chasm between Chico and Rangel) and they've managed to concede eight in their last four. 

The second game is against a shaky Newcastle side who are ravaged by injury, won't have a manager in the stadium and have nothing to play for but 'pride' (yes I'm aware I raved about them last week - no I don't want to talk about it).  

Can you Lukaku?

For 8.5 you could have this sexy beast in your line-up - 

Lukaku famously sprinkles creatine on his cornflakes

You're now thinking one of three things: 

1.  Hasn't he cut his hair now? Will the Samson effect come into play? 

2. "Holy inconceivable lats, Batman - I need to start doing pull ups!"

3. What is this, Men's Health? Why is this relevant to my fantasy team? I'm all about the Benjamins points. Shut up and show me the money. 

Well ask and ye shall receive - 

1. Yes. No. 

2. Yup. According to Chuck Norris: "Any man incapable of lifting his own body weight is essentially just a walking meal that it would be illegal to eat." 

3. You seem like the sensible ones so I'll answer yours in a bit more detail - 

Lukaku fills a crucial gap in the fantasy market - we all know about SAS, Rooney etc. but for those banking on spenny mids like Silva, Toure and Mata, there's no other mid-priced striker who competes with the potential value of Romelu. The only viable competitors are Giroud (8.6), who plays at the impenetrable Stamford Bridge as part of the double GW, effectively negating its value, and Bony (7.1), who in similar fashion plays Arsenal and our new best friends Everton - both away. 

Lukaku scored the winner against Wham despite only playing 32 minutes, is a dead cert to start both games and, crucially, is genuinely a very good footballer. He gets a decent amount of assists as the lone forward (6) and is the focal point for an attacking Everton side. 

Strangely he's the most transferred OUT player so far this week - as well as the fourth most transferred-in. If that's not free market economics at work, I don't know what is. 

(I don't know what free market economics is - but apparently this is funny)

Coleman (6.7) v.s. Baines (7.4)

Ah, the age-old debate. Everyone's already repping Coleman but expect his price to rise even higher after his late winner against Cardiff (1.4 mil people have put him in already this week!). Seamus was once the bargain of the season - a cheap attacking full back who scores and can pick up clean sheets. 

Now he costs just 0.7 less than Leighton - and while he's scored twice as many goals, it remains hard to argue (successfully at least) that he presents a more potent attacking threat. Baines takes free kicks, corners and penalties. Coleman's goals mostly come from bundling into the box and tapping it into an open net. Only once this season has he scored in a game Everton did not win. Baines is a bona fide game-changer - a real-life playmaker from the back - just look at how he single-handedly burst bubbles at Upton Park:

Now put him in your team. 

Mirallas (7.5)

Kev seems to have won Martinez's trust - he's started all but one of the last nine games. He buys and sells speed for a profit (pace merchant) and isn't shy of a shot. Similarly to Lukaku, Mirallas is the stand-out choice in his price bracket. His closest competition would probably be Nolan (7.1), also a good shout for the double GW - but Kev no.2 has a propensity to get sent off this season and has to play United and Hull - both of whom are desperate for points. 

Let's get statistical

Mirallas provides more of a creative threat, receives more passes per minute (3.1 to 4.6), has more touches in the penalty area (103 to 97) and has a far itchier trigger finger (70 goal attempts v.s. 41). He takes half as many minutes to create each chance (39.4 to 88.2) and takes corners (65 this season) while Nolan lazes about picking his nose or scratching his arse or something. 

"I knew I shouldn't have licked this"

A word on Barkley (5.1)

While it's more painful than sliding down a razor blade in the buff to cut a double GW player, Barkley's gotta go. In his last five games he has played this many minutes: 45,27,28,6,9.

That's not altogether or nothin'. That's in each game. Yuk. He's 5.1m but that's no excuse for the 1.4 million Mugbook Pros who've put him in this week. Yanoozay (Januzaj; also 5.1) or Mutch (4.4; two assists last week) would be much better budget bargains.


Pic of the week

Related? No. But funny? Well, that's kind of subjective, but I thought so -

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Bantasy Football: Looking at Newcastle

In stark contrast to last week, there are a plethora of tantalising options to choose from in GW 30. Next week's double gameweek blockbuster doesn’t just have to be borne in mind, though – it should form the main basis for your transfer rationale this week.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail

Obvious wins nothing

'If I were a Boeing 777 jet, where would I hide?' - is precisely the sort of warped mindset you need to enter into this week. It's too late in the season for renowned players. You're too close to the winner's podium to put all your hopes on a household name. Come way out of left field and find a hero disguised as a minnow; a massive player everyone else thought was a bust. Go big or go home - death or glory!

OK maybe let's not be quite that extreme - and yes, clearly you'll want to stock your team with as many DGW 31 players as you can. And yes, Liverpool are at Old Trafford on Sunday and then face two of the bottom three in the Double Gameweek spectacular - so they're the obvious choice. 

But everyone who’s anyone is fully aware of the virtues of the super-powered SAS, the bargain bucket that is Sterling, the penalty-fuelled consistency of Gerrard and the high risk, low reward Coutinho. 

For team of the week this week I’m going to Toon. Forget all that head-butting nonsense - let's talk about what's going down on the fantasy football field. 

Howard Webb - less excitable than Jeff Stelling

Newcastle

If you’re looking for a slightly more inconspicuous team to build your transfers around, the Magpies are alone in being at home for both double GW fixtures - and play rock-bottom Fulham at Craven Cottage this week. 

What do Fulham and The Rock have in common? That's right - not very much

Lack of incentive could combine with the absence of Pardew to drain morale and crucify form but St James’ Park always rocks - and Fulham always blow. 

Yoan Gouffran (6.3; owned by 1.1 %)

With Remy out for three games with a calf injury, step up Monsieur Gouffran. 6 goals and 4 assists this season isn't bad for a bit-timer - he's a dead cert 90 minute player at the moment, especially with Loic out, and anything owned by only 1% of people is surely some sort of amazeballs luxury product worthy of your hard-earned dolla. 

Gouffran - Luxury worth having?

Moussa Sissoko (5.7m; 3% owned)

He's played every game this season, seems to have cemented himself into a relatively advanced field position and bagged a whopping 15 pts against Hull last week with a neat brace. His first finish was like something out of International Superstar Soccer with the cheats turned on and his second illustrated a keen attacking instinct with an eye for getting into the six-yard box. 

Forget body shape and physical logic - this one's going straight in

Mike Williamson (4.2; 1.2%)

Newcastle have had a defence like a sieve for as long as eggs have been eggs but their fixture list implies clean sheets are on the horizon - if only due to their opponents' inefficacy in front of goal. This Williamson bloke is just so cheap for someone who has started every game since week 6. He might even score, I suppose. There's nothing pointing to the fact that he will but wouldn't it be nice if he did? Sometimes good things happen to good people. Back yourself. 

Today's theme was memes. Your reward for making it to the end is this totally unrelated pic of a cat just hanging out.

I have a plan

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